A compulsive golfer is a crackputt.
Anon |
A triple bogey is three strokes more than par, four strokes more than par is a quadruple bogey, five more than par is a quintuple, six is a sextuple, seven is a throwuple, eight is a blowuple, and nine is a ohshutuple.
Henry Beard Golfing (1985) |
After hitting two balls into the water- By God, I've got a good mind to jump in and make it four.
Simon Hobday (1994) |
Colin Montgomerie has a face like a warthog that has been stung by a wasp.
David Feherty (1992) |
Duffers who consistently shank their balls are urged to buy and study Shanks - No Thanks by R. K. Hoffman, or in extreme cases, M. S. Howard's excellent Tennis for Beginners.
Henry Beard Golfing (1985) |
Fairway: that which a player playing six on a long hole is heard to answer when asked how far it is to the flag.
Tim Brooke-Taylor Golf Bag (1988) |
Golf and masturbation have at least one thing in common. Both are a lot more satisfying to do than they are to watch.
Anon |
Golf balls are attracted to water as unerringly as the eye of a middle-aged man to a female bosom.
Michael Green |
Golf combines two favourite American pastimes: taking long walks and hitting things with sticks.
P. J. O'Rourke |
Golf is a game in which a ball - one and a half inches in diameter - is placed on a ball - 8,000 miles in diameter. The object being to hit the small ball but not the larger.
John Cunningham |
Golf is a good walk spoiled.
Mark Twain |
Golf is cow-pasture pool.
O. K. Bavard |
Golf is hockey at the halt.
Arthur Marshall (1985) |
Golf is like an 18-year-old girl with the big boobs. You know it's wrong but you can't keep away from her.
Val Doonican |
Golfing takes energy, also cash - Just two of the things you must bring it; A golf club's a great institution If you are able to swing it!
George O. Ludeke |
Handicap: a device for collective bargaining on the first tee.
Anon |
Hit the ball hard and straight and not too often.
Anon |
I regard golf as an expensive way of playing marbles.
G. K. Chesterton |
If you are going to throw a club, it is important to throw it ahead of you, down the fairway, so you don't waste energy going back to pick it up.
Tommy Bolt |
If you foozle with your cleek, And your putts are let's say-weak. If your drives, for all to see, Do not always leave the tee. And to slice them is a habit, If, in short, you're a rabbit. Do not put your clubs away Drink a Guinness everyday.
An early Guinness advert |
If you think it's hard meeting new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball.
Jack Lemmon (1986) |
If you want to take long walks, take long walks. If you want to hit things with sticks, hit things with sticks. But there's no excuse for combining the two and putting the results on television. Golf is not so much a sport as an insult to lawns.
National Lampoon (1979) |
Lunch at an American golf course: Club sandwiches, Link sausages, Par-snips, Sliced tomatoes, Tea, Puttatoes.
Anon |
Never bet with anyone you meet on the first tee who has a deep suntan, a one-iron in his bag and squinty eyes.
Dave Marr |
Never try to keep more than 300 separate thoughts in your mind during your swing.
Henry Beard Mulligan's taw (1994) |
Stance: the position in which one stands immediately before clubbing an innocent tee to death.
Tim Brooke-Taylor Golf Bag (1988) |
The definition of the average golfer is: one who starts at six, shouts 'Fore!', takes five, and puts down a three.
Anon |
The hardest shot is the chip at 90 yards from the green where the ball has to be played against an oak tree, bounces back into a sandtrap, hits a stone, bounces onto the green, and then rolls into the cup. That shot is so difficult, I have only made it once.
Zeppo Marx |
The reason the pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't see him laughing.
Phyllis Oilier |
You know the old rule: He who have the fastest cart never have to play bad lie.
Mickey Mantle Esquire (1971) |
